Grump in the night

The lights are going out in the Cain house. It is quiet other than the slow and steady breathing of my new husband laying beside me. He sighs and drapes his arm over me and pulls me close. The house creaks and I hear rain dripping outside my window. My eyes are heavy and begin to droop. Finally I am asleep. Suddenly I hear frantic yelling. Dan had shot up in bed and was yelling the most hideous profanity, "She is a f#$$%$#ing @#$#@! She's a %&$# @$%&" This went on and on for a few moments. I sat there stunned, peeking out from under the blankets at my sweet and gentle husband sitting up and cursing some unknown woman. Then he laid back down, snuggled up to me and muttered "I love you" and was quietly snoring. It was just after our honeymoon and I began to think, who is this nut that I married? Little did I know that this was the first of many weird conversations we would have in the middle of the night.

My husband is a weirdo. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy to pieces. But there is just no getting around the fact that he is bizarre. During the day he is a clean cut, steady, handsome, straight as an arrow kinda guy. As soon as the lights go out and he falls asleep...you never know what you are gonna get. Yeah yeah, I know what you are thinking, but no. He will have entire conversations with you...and never remembers a thing...and most of the time he is so unlike himself. Not in bad ways, he's usually silly or odd. (and in case you are worried from the above story...NEVER violent or truly mean)

You'll be sleeping soundly and the next thing you know he rolls over, grabs on to you and demands to know where all the fortune cookies have gone.
When we were engaged, Dan was living in Great Lakes, IL and I was going to school in San Diego until about 11pm. When I got home from school I would call Dan every night and have a little chat. He was always so lovey dovey on the phone... He told me last night that he doesn't remember one single phone call. Hmmm... So sleeping Dan is romantic? Where did I put those sleeping pills....

Then when I was pregnant with Red and I was almost 2 weeks overdue, Dan rolled over one night and looked at me with a very stern voice, "You better have that baby. You better have that baby NOW. I'm getting an attorney!" He grabbed the blankets away from me and rolled over in a huff. "I MEAN IT!" Then was back to snuggling and snoring yet again.

On the flip side, if you need to talk to HIM while he is sleeping...good luck. When Red comes sneaking into bed with us at night, it is his job to put her back to her own room. I can try gentle nudging...nothing. Irritating poking....nothing. Shaking and talking loudly...nothing. The only thing that works is you have to be downright mean. I'm talking yelling and kicking at him under the blankets to get his attention. Then he wakes up and looks at you like you are a big monster..."Why are you yelling at me? Just ask me and I'll take her back." Gees!

So if you ever happen to be a house guest of ours, don't be alarmed if you find Dan frantically searching your room for a bag of potato chips, or having a conversation with the dog. He'll be fine in the morning.