A day in the life

My middle son has a behavioral disorder. It still remains undiagnosed. We have several guesses on the table ranging from ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) to a sensory disorder, to adjustment disorder.

At this point I don't really care what it is called I just want him to be normal.

He's a wonderful boy. He's handsome, athletic, smart as a whip and very sweet. The problem is, you never when he is going to snap. Just when I think I have a handle on things, they go south again.

Nobody said parenting was easy. Yeah...but nobody told me it would be this hard.

Don't get me wrong, I love him. I love him so much it actually physically hurts. Some days this stuff rolls off me like water on a duck's back. Other days I just look at him and my heart clenches. Things are better than they were, but now I see we have so so so far to go.

I really debated sharing too much about this...airing laundry and all. But the truth is, this blog is about me...who I am...what my life is like. And not expressing this part of it isn't really expressing who I am.

My little man loves me. I know this. He tells me how pretty I am every single day. Over and over and over. It's like he contains these wild emotions and he so desperately has to share them. Good ones and bad. So when he is feeling loving, he feels it BIG. So much that it oozes out his pores. He wants to hug me constantly and share everything he has within himself. He will kiss me and compliment me like it is our last chance. It's like he aches inside to make sure that I know he loves me.

Ten minutes later he could be the exact opposite. The contrast is staggering. He is prone to violent outbursts. Just when I think I know what is causing them, the pattern changes. Or there is no pattern. It used to be concentrated on me. That was bad enough. He would infuriate me to the point where I would completely lose it. Screaming, shoving him into his room and shaking with anger and understanding how easy it would be to go too far. Then he would cry and run to me and we would hold each other weeping and confused. Other times, I would feel so broken I would lay on the floor and just let him hit me. How do you defend yourself against that - emotionally or physically?

In those moments, I wonder if he really does hate me. But I know he doesn't. I can sense his frustration all around him. I know it is something he fighting against. I know in those desperate moments when he hugs me so tight and says over and over and over, "I love you mommy", that those are his truest feelings.

Nowadays, his rages are less severe. But there is underlying anger still there and he lashes out at other children. Which to me is worse. The extreme violence has been tempered and now he just hits unprovoked. But it is short lived, generally.


I've come a long way. That giant gift wrapped box of guilt that they handed me the day he was born is just a little bit lighter. I've learned to get thicker skin when I am judged by strangers...or even people that I know. I've learned not to (always) crumple inside when I hear criticism of my parenting. I've learned that it really isn't my fault. And that was a tough one to let go. That one still creeps up on me if I am not careful. It slips through the cracks and I have to beat it back out again. I've learned that NOBODY could do a better job with him than Dan and me because God hand selected us to be his parents. And for some reason, he thought we were the ideal ones to guide him through this challenge in life.

I think I have been able to overcome the depression that I was sinking into. There are days where I have to fight tooth and nail against it. But most days, I grab onto my faith in the Lord with both hands and march forward into the mire.

I believe Stinky is special. I believe there is a purpose for him that is beyond the norm. I believe he will be an extraordinary man and a great joy in my life. He already does bring me joy. Lots of it. It's just that many times, the joy just doesn't outweigh the worry.

I hesitate here, before I publish this, thinking - how could a mom write these things about her son? But it is truth. It's my life. It's who I am. And also, I have spent hours, days even poring over other mom blogs of people experiencing the same things and it has been a source of comfort to me.

I love my son. And not a day has gone by, even at it's worst, that I haven't felt that way until it hurts.

The Pressures...and my soapbox

I have my kids in a Christian preschool. I absolutely LOVE it. They are so happy there, it is a great environment and I just love that my kids come home talking about God and telling me Bible stories. I love the foundation that they are setting for their lives. There are times that I think maybe we should continue on with Christian private school, but Dan and I both believe...strongly...that our kids are supposed to attend public school. If we were all to take our Christian children out of public education, what would that mean? And most private schools REQUIRE that you be a Christian to attend. I wonder what Jesus would think about that...

Last time I checked I believe He was the one hanging out with the sinners. Not amongst the leaders of the synagogue...

When pressed, the Christian school's response is that the mission of the school is to provide solid Christian education to supplement what is being taught at home. "Evangelism" and "Outreach" are not the ministries that the school is seeking at this time.

HUH???

Isn't it the job of EVERY Christian to present the gospel in everything we do?

I digress...

It seems everywhere I turn there is pressure to keep my kids out of public school. As if I am not a committed Christian, or committed parent. If I were really dedicated I would make the financial sacrifice to put my kids through a private school. (Public schools are not competitive enough, they are too liberal, they are too WORLDLY). Of course they are worldly. But God says to go into all the world and preach the gospel. How can we teach our kids to be in the world but not OF the world if we hide them away?

Then there is the issue of homeschooling. Not. For. Me. I am not organized, patient or educated enough to make that kind of commitment. I have friends who have done it and plan to do it. More power to you! I just know that if I made that choice my children's education would suffer.

I went to public school. My brothers went to public school. My husband went to public school. We all turned out fine. In fact, I think we were an incredible witness for doing so. We all went on to college and graduated. We got a good education. I graduated high school and college with honors. And yet still, when asked where I am going to send Red for kindergarten, I get the look. (Oh, I'd NEVER send my kids to PUBLIC school. I CARE about their education....)

It's frustrating. But I guess I just need to do what I feel is right and forget about the criticism I am feeling. Has anyone else experienced this?