I had an epiphany this week. About parenthood. It seems in our society today we have a certain level of expectations for children. Particularly in Christian circles, but you can see it in all kinds of groups. How well do you "control" your children? If you have wild, woolly and free spirits like I do - you know what I am talking about. We are judged as parents by how well our kids listen, behave and respond to our directions.
As parents we have a job to do. To raise up our kids with boundaries, love, consequences and rewards and to guide them in the direction we want them to go. So if you want to define THAT as controlling your kids - I'm all for it. But it seems to me that many people have this expectation that our kids should be robots. Following our directions without deviation, compliant and quiet and doing so happily.
But I had a thought about God. And how all our relationships on this earth are a reflection of something He wants us to learn about Him. We are His kids, right? And He gave us the gift of free will. He loves us, guides and instructs us and allows consequences to come our way. And yet he does not "control" us - even though He is capable.
What this tells me is that I should NOT control my kids. I should love them and instruct them and allow consequences to come their way. I'm not capable of controlling their behavior and it seems to me that God doesn't want me to do that either.
Kids are born with a temperament. Parents of strong willed kids again, know what I am talking about. The kids that inevitably break out in a brawl in the middle of the grocery store...every time no matter the consequences. The kids who poke and prod and poke and prod until an unwitting sibling returns with a full blown assault - in front of your pastor. Certain things cannot be disciplined out of them -it's the way God designed them and WANTED them to be. Although it should be guided and nurtured and "bridled" - it is who they are. Some kids are compliant and happily go along the easy path. Others live to fight another day, and inevitably end up grounded...again. I'm not saying that discipline is useless - heck, it sometimes is the only tool we got! But it won't change certain natural, inborn tendencies, like temperament.
I've been judged and pegged as a bad parent alot. It is refreshing to believe that I can do the best that I can - seeking guidance from God in raising my kids and at the end of the day, I'm not responsible to CONTROL my kids. They make their choices. My job as mom is to respond to those choices.
I know this may seem like a shocking and lackadaisical point of view of parenting. But it is far from that. It's a realization that I am the perfect parent to my child in all my imperfections because God chose me to be their mom. And I don't have to answer to all their behaviors, but to love and encourage and discipline and guide them to the best of my abilities. God gave us the freedom to make our own choices and to be us and our kids deserve the same considerations.
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Accusers Vs. Apologizers
On the playground you can find 2 different types of parents, usually. The apologizers and the accusers. 99% of the time I think first time parents land in category #2. Only children are very rarely to blame for anything. Those children are perfect and have never been naughty a day in their life. Not when they spit on your 2 year old, or bit your leg when caught them peeing in the corner. Nope.
Accuser parents are the ones that in any given situation will blame any other possible child within a semi reasonable distance. If their child HAS undeniably misbehaved it was because of something YOUR child did.
Apologizers, like me, are the parents who are just going to bend over and take it. Our first reaction tends to be, someone is crying, what did my kid do to cause it? Often these are parents of "strong willed" kids. Because chances are, our kids WERE involved in some way. And when someone blames one of our kids, we tend to take it at face value. Or if you are like me, you just smile and apologize and walk away feeling bitter that your kids was blamed...again.
What makes it so hard to stand up for our kids?? I think people like me, with "unique" kids feel so inadequate as parents at times, it feels wrong or unreasonable to stand up for them. It's so easy to blame kids like that. A pattern is set - these kids are bad news and can be the easy target.
It is amazing how quick a mother can become protective, even violent when a child's physical safety is jeopardy. Why do we let these little battles that eventually add up to a lifetime of hurt, just pass us by. A while ago it came to my attention, that my kids have an apologist mother. And it isn't fair to them. They don't need an accuser mother either. They need an advocate.
And I am working hard at not falling over myself with apologies about their behavior - which is often unruly or in need of correction. But instead, I am working on explaining the situation at hand. (Especially with Vincent) And then not apologizing for his behavior, but trying to see how we can change the matter. I'm not saying I don't make them apologize. It's just that seems to be my go to response. And why is that? They ARE good kids. Wild, creative, spicy, loud, funny, rambunctious kids. I don't want to make excuses for them. But sometimes, they need to be defended. They need to know that no matter what, mommy has their back. (Even if they don't always have mine and might actually jump on it when I am not looking).
GingersMom - the eternal work in progress.
Accuser parents are the ones that in any given situation will blame any other possible child within a semi reasonable distance. If their child HAS undeniably misbehaved it was because of something YOUR child did.
Apologizers, like me, are the parents who are just going to bend over and take it. Our first reaction tends to be, someone is crying, what did my kid do to cause it? Often these are parents of "strong willed" kids. Because chances are, our kids WERE involved in some way. And when someone blames one of our kids, we tend to take it at face value. Or if you are like me, you just smile and apologize and walk away feeling bitter that your kids was blamed...again.
What makes it so hard to stand up for our kids?? I think people like me, with "unique" kids feel so inadequate as parents at times, it feels wrong or unreasonable to stand up for them. It's so easy to blame kids like that. A pattern is set - these kids are bad news and can be the easy target.
It is amazing how quick a mother can become protective, even violent when a child's physical safety is jeopardy. Why do we let these little battles that eventually add up to a lifetime of hurt, just pass us by. A while ago it came to my attention, that my kids have an apologist mother. And it isn't fair to them. They don't need an accuser mother either. They need an advocate.
And I am working hard at not falling over myself with apologies about their behavior - which is often unruly or in need of correction. But instead, I am working on explaining the situation at hand. (Especially with Vincent) And then not apologizing for his behavior, but trying to see how we can change the matter. I'm not saying I don't make them apologize. It's just that seems to be my go to response. And why is that? They ARE good kids. Wild, creative, spicy, loud, funny, rambunctious kids. I don't want to make excuses for them. But sometimes, they need to be defended. They need to know that no matter what, mommy has their back. (Even if they don't always have mine and might actually jump on it when I am not looking).
GingersMom - the eternal work in progress.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Moms and Women
This was a fantastic article sent to me by a friend. You may just pass it over but it is worth a read.
Is it just stress, or could you be a woman struggling with undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder?
Most of us are familiar with hyperactivity and attentional problems in kids, and the debate over whether Ritalin is being over-prescribed. You may have also read an article here or there about ADHD in adults. John Ratey and Ned Hallowell's book on ADHD, Driven to Distraction, made its way to the New York Times best seller's list. But chances are that you haven't read much about girls or women with ADHD. Why not? Because ADHD has long been considered a male problem that affects only a few girls and women.
What are the signs of ADHD in women? ADHD in females can often be masked. Women with ADHD are most often diagnosed as depressed. And many women with ADHD do struggle with depression; however that is only part of the picture. As Sari Solden, author of Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, describes it, ADHD in women is the disorder of dis-order. In other words, for most women with ADHD their lives are filled with disorder which can feel overwhelming - piles and clutter out of control. There are some women with ADHD who have successfully compensated for their ADhD, but the price they pay is to expend most of their waking energy combating their natural tendency to be disorganized. Many women with ADHD feel a powerful sense of shame and inadequacy. They feel constantly behind, overwhelmed and frazzled. Some women with ADHD feel that their lives are so out of control that they rarely invite others into their home - too ashamed to allow anyone to see the disorder, too overwhelmed to combat the disorder that pervades their lives.
ADHD can be mild, moderate or severe. Some women are able to cope with the demands of daily life until they become a mother. For other women, their coping abilities don't collapse until baby number two comes along. The job of housewife and mother is especially difficult for women with ADHD because of its very nature. To raise children and to run a household well we are required to function in multiple roles at the same time, to cope with constant, unpredictable interruptions, to function with little structure, little support or encouragement, and to not only keep ourselves on track, but also be the scheduler of everyone else in the family. Who has soccer practice? Who has a dentist appointment? Who needs new shoes? Who needs a permission slip signed? Where is the permission slip? Who needs to go to the library? Who needs us to drop everything this minute because they skinned their knee or because they have an ear ache and want to come home from school? And in the midst of all this we are supposed to keep on track, planning meals, doing housework, laundry, planning social events, and, for the majority of mothers, working full time.
ADHD has become a more challenging problem for women as the demands in our late twentieth century lifestyles become greater and greater. Now we are expected to juggle homemaking, child care and full time employment, along with a full complement of extra-curricular activities for our children. What is highly stressful for a woman without ADhD, becomes a continuing crisis for a woman with ADhD. These women frequently suffer from anxiety, depression and low self-esteem because they find they can't live up to the superwoman image that so many women attempt today.
What is the difference between ADHD and stress? Stress is temporary or cyclical. A woman who feels disorganized and overwhelmed due to stress will heave a huge sigh of relief when the holidays are over or when the crunch at work has passed, and will set about returning her life to order. For a woman with ADhD, the stressful times are bad, but even in the best of times there is a feeling that the wave of "to do's" is about to crash over her head.
You may have ADHD if you: Have trouble completing projects and jump from one activity to another. Parents and teachers told you that you should have tried harder in school. And are frequently forgetful; have trouble remembering to do the things you intended. Frequently rushing, over-committed, often late. Make impulsive purchases, impulsive decisions. Feel overwhelmed and disorganized in your daily life. Have a disorderly purse, car, closet, household, etc. Are easily distracted from the task you are doing. Go off on tangents in conversations; may tend to interrupt. Have trouble balancing your checkbook; difficulty with paperwork.
Having difficulty with one or two of these things doesn't mean you have ADHD. This list isn't meant as a questionnaire for self-diagnosis; but if you find yourself answering "yes" to many of the questions listed above, it may be very helpful to seek an evaluation from a professional very experienced in diagnosing ADHD in adults. (A good place to begin your hunt for such a professional is to call the child ADHD experts in your community.)
If you are an undiagnosed woman with ADHD, help could be just around the corner. Women who have blamed themselves for years as lazy or incompetent have received help, through ADHD-oriented psychotherapy, medication and ADHD coaching and are now feeling and functioning much better.
Is it just stress, or could you be a woman struggling with undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder?
Most of us are familiar with hyperactivity and attentional problems in kids, and the debate over whether Ritalin is being over-prescribed. You may have also read an article here or there about ADHD in adults. John Ratey and Ned Hallowell's book on ADHD, Driven to Distraction, made its way to the New York Times best seller's list. But chances are that you haven't read much about girls or women with ADHD. Why not? Because ADHD has long been considered a male problem that affects only a few girls and women.
What are the signs of ADHD in women? ADHD in females can often be masked. Women with ADHD are most often diagnosed as depressed. And many women with ADHD do struggle with depression; however that is only part of the picture. As Sari Solden, author of Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, describes it, ADHD in women is the disorder of dis-order. In other words, for most women with ADHD their lives are filled with disorder which can feel overwhelming - piles and clutter out of control. There are some women with ADHD who have successfully compensated for their ADhD, but the price they pay is to expend most of their waking energy combating their natural tendency to be disorganized. Many women with ADHD feel a powerful sense of shame and inadequacy. They feel constantly behind, overwhelmed and frazzled. Some women with ADHD feel that their lives are so out of control that they rarely invite others into their home - too ashamed to allow anyone to see the disorder, too overwhelmed to combat the disorder that pervades their lives.
ADHD can be mild, moderate or severe. Some women are able to cope with the demands of daily life until they become a mother. For other women, their coping abilities don't collapse until baby number two comes along. The job of housewife and mother is especially difficult for women with ADHD because of its very nature. To raise children and to run a household well we are required to function in multiple roles at the same time, to cope with constant, unpredictable interruptions, to function with little structure, little support or encouragement, and to not only keep ourselves on track, but also be the scheduler of everyone else in the family. Who has soccer practice? Who has a dentist appointment? Who needs new shoes? Who needs a permission slip signed? Where is the permission slip? Who needs to go to the library? Who needs us to drop everything this minute because they skinned their knee or because they have an ear ache and want to come home from school? And in the midst of all this we are supposed to keep on track, planning meals, doing housework, laundry, planning social events, and, for the majority of mothers, working full time.
ADHD has become a more challenging problem for women as the demands in our late twentieth century lifestyles become greater and greater. Now we are expected to juggle homemaking, child care and full time employment, along with a full complement of extra-curricular activities for our children. What is highly stressful for a woman without ADhD, becomes a continuing crisis for a woman with ADhD. These women frequently suffer from anxiety, depression and low self-esteem because they find they can't live up to the superwoman image that so many women attempt today.
What is the difference between ADHD and stress? Stress is temporary or cyclical. A woman who feels disorganized and overwhelmed due to stress will heave a huge sigh of relief when the holidays are over or when the crunch at work has passed, and will set about returning her life to order. For a woman with ADhD, the stressful times are bad, but even in the best of times there is a feeling that the wave of "to do's" is about to crash over her head.
You may have ADHD if you: Have trouble completing projects and jump from one activity to another. Parents and teachers told you that you should have tried harder in school. And are frequently forgetful; have trouble remembering to do the things you intended. Frequently rushing, over-committed, often late. Make impulsive purchases, impulsive decisions. Feel overwhelmed and disorganized in your daily life. Have a disorderly purse, car, closet, household, etc. Are easily distracted from the task you are doing. Go off on tangents in conversations; may tend to interrupt. Have trouble balancing your checkbook; difficulty with paperwork.
Having difficulty with one or two of these things doesn't mean you have ADHD. This list isn't meant as a questionnaire for self-diagnosis; but if you find yourself answering "yes" to many of the questions listed above, it may be very helpful to seek an evaluation from a professional very experienced in diagnosing ADHD in adults. (A good place to begin your hunt for such a professional is to call the child ADHD experts in your community.)
If you are an undiagnosed woman with ADHD, help could be just around the corner. Women who have blamed themselves for years as lazy or incompetent have received help, through ADHD-oriented psychotherapy, medication and ADHD coaching and are now feeling and functioning much better.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Hey, Where Did the Clouds Go?
My life in the last year has been one adventure after another. The move, experiencing a new place, schools, church, friends, furry roomates in the attic... Lots of big changes. Tearing up those roots in San Diego was laborous, but in predictable fashion, a good step for our family as a whole. Even though the kids were taking bets when my sanity would in fact fizzle out and I would start mumbling jibberish, I managed to hang onto it, even if it is just a shred.
Being in Hawaii has given me the opportunity to evaluate alot of things in my life. To consider what is important to me, to determine what got me where I am and why things are the way that they are. Well... I am HERE because the Navy made me go. But at least it isn't Sedona.
After a long process that is detailed and self indulgent I came to a realization about my life. Particularly my life in regards to Vincent. My unique one. My "spirited" one. My strong willed one. My ADHD one. The one that has me crying "Why God Why?" on a regular basis.
I began a mission to discover why my particular relationship with him was so challenged. What was it about me that was unique to cause all these sparks to fly when we are together? I looked inward and started to explore. Not in a effort to blame myself for the "mistakes" I have made but in a quest for understanding.
I began to research about ADHD and the environments in which kids grow up and what common factors may be involved. Apparently, 60 % of children with ADHD have a parent with ADD. A light bulb went on.
DAN HAS ADHD!
My research became more pinpointed and I started to compile evidence against him to prove it. Look here I have proof that I can blame you for this after all! Now I have more than just stretch marks and saggy boobs to hold against you. I can sit in the corner, giving you the stink eye, remembering my svelt size 6 body and the rational mind I once had.
However, as I read on learning more about this particular "condition" something struck a very familiar chord. Strangely, this did not resemble my husband at all. Stranger still, the description of a grown woman, particularly a mother with ADD could have been written about myself.
Holy Crap! Sorry honey...you can just hand that blame back to me. Oops. Put it right here in my pocket. Thanks...pat pat.....
Dan and I laughed at this for a while and shoved it on a shelf...far...far...away...under a musty blanket.
But something kept leading me back to that shelf. And after several months I became brave enough to peek under that blanket, and explore some more.
It has been a long road, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do have ADD. I have consulted many doctors, evaluated their opinions and accepted it. Embraced it even! I am not some underachieving hack, masquerading as an intelligent individual. Perhaps I am in fact an intelligent individual, with unique brain functions who just marches to the beat of a very erratic drum!
And for the first time in my life, I feel....hopeful, happy, optimistic and just downright GOOD. It is amazing when you can look at something with the right perspective. Instead of being hard on myself for being flaky or impatient I can understand WHY I have done the things I have done. Understand WHY I have a difficult time with certain things. Not an excuse...but an understanding that I am wired a little different. And who didn't know that anyway??
And the realization has been so freeing for me. For all you judgers out there (as if I have a vast million followers....Hi mom!) yes I do take medication. Not because I believe all "disorders" must be treated with chemicals, but because it is what is working for me. After a week of said medication, I woke up with a realization. That the night before I had gone to bed, satisfied...telling myself I did a good job as a mother today. And that is a first for me.
This is a good thing for me. I'm anxiously awaiting what might be around the next corner. I guess we'll find out...
Being in Hawaii has given me the opportunity to evaluate alot of things in my life. To consider what is important to me, to determine what got me where I am and why things are the way that they are. Well... I am HERE because the Navy made me go. But at least it isn't Sedona.
After a long process that is detailed and self indulgent I came to a realization about my life. Particularly my life in regards to Vincent. My unique one. My "spirited" one. My strong willed one. My ADHD one. The one that has me crying "Why God Why?" on a regular basis.
I began a mission to discover why my particular relationship with him was so challenged. What was it about me that was unique to cause all these sparks to fly when we are together? I looked inward and started to explore. Not in a effort to blame myself for the "mistakes" I have made but in a quest for understanding.
I began to research about ADHD and the environments in which kids grow up and what common factors may be involved. Apparently, 60 % of children with ADHD have a parent with ADD. A light bulb went on.
DAN HAS ADHD!
My research became more pinpointed and I started to compile evidence against him to prove it. Look here I have proof that I can blame you for this after all! Now I have more than just stretch marks and saggy boobs to hold against you. I can sit in the corner, giving you the stink eye, remembering my svelt size 6 body and the rational mind I once had.
However, as I read on learning more about this particular "condition" something struck a very familiar chord. Strangely, this did not resemble my husband at all. Stranger still, the description of a grown woman, particularly a mother with ADD could have been written about myself.
Holy Crap! Sorry honey...you can just hand that blame back to me. Oops. Put it right here in my pocket. Thanks...pat pat.....
Dan and I laughed at this for a while and shoved it on a shelf...far...far...away...under a musty blanket.
But something kept leading me back to that shelf. And after several months I became brave enough to peek under that blanket, and explore some more.
It has been a long road, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do have ADD. I have consulted many doctors, evaluated their opinions and accepted it. Embraced it even! I am not some underachieving hack, masquerading as an intelligent individual. Perhaps I am in fact an intelligent individual, with unique brain functions who just marches to the beat of a very erratic drum!
And for the first time in my life, I feel....hopeful, happy, optimistic and just downright GOOD. It is amazing when you can look at something with the right perspective. Instead of being hard on myself for being flaky or impatient I can understand WHY I have done the things I have done. Understand WHY I have a difficult time with certain things. Not an excuse...but an understanding that I am wired a little different. And who didn't know that anyway??
And the realization has been so freeing for me. For all you judgers out there (as if I have a vast million followers....Hi mom!) yes I do take medication. Not because I believe all "disorders" must be treated with chemicals, but because it is what is working for me. After a week of said medication, I woke up with a realization. That the night before I had gone to bed, satisfied...telling myself I did a good job as a mother today. And that is a first for me.
This is a good thing for me. I'm anxiously awaiting what might be around the next corner. I guess we'll find out...
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