My life in the last year has been one adventure after another. The move, experiencing a new place, schools, church, friends, furry roomates in the attic... Lots of big changes. Tearing up those roots in San Diego was laborous, but in predictable fashion, a good step for our family as a whole. Even though the kids were taking bets when my sanity would in fact fizzle out and I would start mumbling jibberish, I managed to hang onto it, even if it is just a shred.
Being in Hawaii has given me the opportunity to evaluate alot of things in my life. To consider what is important to me, to determine what got me where I am and why things are the way that they are. Well... I am HERE because the Navy made me go. But at least it isn't Sedona.
After a long process that is detailed and self indulgent I came to a realization about my life. Particularly my life in regards to Vincent. My unique one. My "spirited" one. My strong willed one. My ADHD one. The one that has me crying "Why God Why?" on a regular basis.
I began a mission to discover why my particular relationship with him was so challenged. What was it about me that was unique to cause all these sparks to fly when we are together? I looked inward and started to explore. Not in a effort to blame myself for the "mistakes" I have made but in a quest for understanding.
I began to research about ADHD and the environments in which kids grow up and what common factors may be involved. Apparently, 60 % of children with ADHD have a parent with ADD. A light bulb went on.
DAN HAS ADHD!
My research became more pinpointed and I started to compile evidence against him to prove it. Look here I have proof that I can blame you for this after all! Now I have more than just stretch marks and saggy boobs to hold against you. I can sit in the corner, giving you the stink eye, remembering my svelt size 6 body and the rational mind I once had.
However, as I read on learning more about this particular "condition" something struck a very familiar chord. Strangely, this did not resemble my husband at all. Stranger still, the description of a grown woman, particularly a mother with ADD could have been written about myself.
Holy Crap! Sorry honey...you can just hand that blame back to me. Oops. Put it right here in my pocket. Thanks...pat pat.....
Dan and I laughed at this for a while and shoved it on a shelf...far...far...away...under a musty blanket.
But something kept leading me back to that shelf. And after several months I became brave enough to peek under that blanket, and explore some more.
It has been a long road, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do have ADD. I have consulted many doctors, evaluated their opinions and accepted it. Embraced it even! I am not some underachieving hack, masquerading as an intelligent individual. Perhaps I am in fact an intelligent individual, with unique brain functions who just marches to the beat of a very erratic drum!
And for the first time in my life, I feel....hopeful, happy, optimistic and just downright GOOD. It is amazing when you can look at something with the right perspective. Instead of being hard on myself for being flaky or impatient I can understand WHY I have done the things I have done. Understand WHY I have a difficult time with certain things. Not an excuse...but an understanding that I am wired a little different. And who didn't know that anyway??
And the realization has been so freeing for me. For all you judgers out there (as if I have a vast million followers....Hi mom!) yes I do take medication. Not because I believe all "disorders" must be treated with chemicals, but because it is what is working for me. After a week of said medication, I woke up with a realization. That the night before I had gone to bed, satisfied...telling myself I did a good job as a mother today. And that is a first for me.
This is a good thing for me. I'm anxiously awaiting what might be around the next corner. I guess we'll find out...
4 months ago