Today may be a bad day to discuss this since I have had virtually no sleep for the last few days. Brady is gearing up for a growth spurt and is nursing CONSTANTLY through the night. Stinky is getting his molars and is waking in the night with pain. Poor babies. I feel for them, but I am tired and cranky and in desperate need for a nap.
Having said that I have been feeling for the last few weeks that if Dan chooses to stay in the Navy, I just might not make it. I KNOW he loves his job. Who can blame him? He gets to fly a helicopter which has been a life long dream and travel to all kinds of places all around the world. He comes home for a few weeks, plays husband and dad and then is off again for another adventure.
Dan would paint a very different picture. He DOES work very hard. Too hard even. The man is a workaholic. So when he IS home, he is working long long long hours. Some days I feel like a single parent and it is sapping everything in me.
I love my kids, I love my husband. I appreciate all that he does to support us, but I am TAPPED. This business of him coming and going and coming and going is too much. For as long as we have been married, he assures me that the "good life" is just on the other side of the hill.
Just wait until I get out of flight school, things will get better.
Just wait until after deployment, things will get better.
Just wait until I am on shore duty, things will get better.
Just wait until the command gets more staff, things will get better.
It's never better. It's always more work. The same goes for his vacation time. They get 30 days every year. Dan has nearly 60 on the books. After 60, you just start losing days. He has been promising me that he would take leave for the longest time. There is always a reason that he can't. The reasons are always legitimate, so how do I argue? But why is HE the only one who can never get leave and all the other guys get vacations with their wives? Or paternity leave? 3 kids and the man has never taken paternity leave!
I signed on for this when we got married, so I guess I don't have the right to complain. I worry that if I "force" him to get out of the Navy when his commitment is up that he will end up resenting me. I'm afraid that if he stays in, I'll resent him. How do we reconcile this?
I love my husband and I am with him thick or thin. That really isn't the question. I just don't know where to draw from when I feel as though I have nothing left.
Pant pant pant....I am overwhelmed. I can't compete with the Navy. It will always win. I think if he stays in, I may have to crawl under a rock.
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