We can do it

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Christmas Partying 101

Lesson #1 for Christmas partying Kristin style: If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

Lesson #2 : Cake is for all occasions. (just ask my local bakery...) But fruitcake? Although bursting with those delightful Christmas calories, avoid at ALL costs. I mean, have some standards.

Lesson #3: Avoid veggie trays. Anyone who serves veggies at a Christmas party has no Christmas spirit and should not be trusted. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door where they're probably serving Santa cookies. (see lesson #1)

Lesson #4:  If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

Lesson #5:  Consider proper attire.  Stretchy clothing such as sweatpants are ideal.  Be sure to avoid buttons, belts and anything binding.  Elastic waistbands are your friend.  Running shoes are highly advised.  You'll need them to beat Aunt Margaret in the race for Santa cookies for sure.  On a side note, Ugly sweaters are hilarious! At Ugly sweater parties. That Rudolph sweater vest can say “ironically horrible” or could be seen as “mother knitted to keep me snug.” It’s a fine line.

Lesson #6  Beware the Wardrobe malfunction! Christmas parties can be a great time to dress in your glittery finest (although men might want to reconsider the glitter). If it is a dressy affair...do not forget to give your party dress a trial run. This means sitting, bending and yes...dancing...in front of the mirror. Cleavage is a nice touch to the holiday...but you do not want to be forever known as the one that flashed boobage at the Christmas party.

And finally.....

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"


m. christine weber said...

I've been reading these aloud to all of my in-laws. Yeah...we think you're awesome. And hilarious, of course. ;-)

Gingers Mom said...

I got an email with some of this in it and adapted. But they hold true. LOL