I had a discussion with my husband lately about my future plans. To be perfectly honest, we've never really talked about MY future plans. There are many conversations about his career (do we stay in the Navy? where do we want to go next?), our financial future (when to buy/sell our house, saving for retirement), or kids' futures. Where will they go to preschool, what do you think they are interested in, should they be involved in sports, what do you think their talents are and how should we hone them? This is in no way a complaint. Just an observation.
My husband would like for me to have a "career" one day again. I used to do PR and I really enjoyed it. I have a degree in business and another in Theology. Sometimes I feel they are useless as I am wiping yet another dirty bottom, or scrubbing jelly off of the sliding glass door. I started thinking, wow, in 5 years what do I want my life to be like, what do I want to be doing? All my kids will be in school. What will I do with that time? I can think of a few things that might interest me, some would require me going back to school...ick. As I was talking it over with my husband, I realized...I don't really want a career. Not because I don't want to work, but my life investment is this family. It may sound so archaic, but this family is my life and supporting, serving, caring for and loving them is the fulfillment I have searched my whole life for. For all you older moms, sure I can see that I may eventually feel differently. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to find a hobby, or project or a job to help support the family. I am just saying what I am doing now is the most important thing in my life and I don't really need more. Many women would scoff at that I am sure.
Sometimes I am a terrible wife and mom. I am lazy, self indulgent, impatient and cranky. But I love this brood. Sometimes I think my life as Mom is a full time job of worry and guilt. I worry I am raising my kids up right...I feel guilty that I yell too much. Am I sending them straight to therapy? I am a work in progress and I am sure hoping that when they look back at their childhood they see happy memories full of love and laughter, the kind I remember as a kid.
I love being a mom. And just when it starts to feel thankless, and I want to sell my kids to gypsies...I peek in on them at night and watch as their little chests rise and fall as they breath and their sweet faces and my heart is so filled with love for them.
How much better does it get than last night when I sat Savannah down with milk and cookies and taught her how to dunk. Afterwards she looks up at me, smothered in chocolate and grins, "Thank you so much mommy. I love you."