We can do it

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Well...you have bad breath.

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant - about 6 1/2 months. And my rant for the day is this: If ONE more person decides it is their job to inform me of how HUGE I am, I am going to lose it. (I've included some pics of me during my last 2 pregnancies. The first one is with Vincent - and that is about how big I am now. The other one is the day before I gave birth to Savannah - almost 2 weeks late.)
I can't go anywhere without someone asking me when I am due (people think pregnant women are cute and approachable apparently). When I respond, I usually get a dropped jaw reaction. So, after a while I started lying to people and telling them I was due in March instead of April. Pretty much the same response.
Now I will be the first to admit that I got big really fast. About 2 minutes after the stick turned blue, my belly popped right out. It's my third baby in three years - SOMEONE please cut me some slack.
My husband and I love to take our kids to the zoo. There is this one very squatty and chubby pygmy hippo we like to call the Eggplant. He looks exactly like an eggplant with feet. So that is now Dan's pet nickname for me when I am pregnant. When he was deployed last year, he sent me flowers. The card read "To Kristin The Eggplant". The romance never stops.
So for any of you out there who sees a pregnant woman and just can't gosh darn help yourself and MUST ask when she is due - try and keep it to yourself. You never know when someone else's hormones might jump up and bite you in the ass.
For now when I have a complete stranger gawk at me and tell me that I am enormous, my response is just to inform them that they have a terrible case of halitosis.

And now for your enjoyment:

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."

"Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"

No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?"

"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

5 comments:

Carly said...

I've heard the horror stories. I guess we all get variations fo the same thing. Yours is size, mine is relationships. (Upcoming blog topic.) Just don't acknowledge it. Seriously, I mean just walk away like you heard nothing. Screw them!

I gotta say, when I first started reading your list of things to avoid saying to your pregnant wife, I actually thought you were speaking from experience!

Gingers Mom said...

My dear husband has come up with some whoppers to say to me, but mostly not that bad. Thankfully for him.

Trailady said...

Been there, heard all that 4 times. It's hard to grin and bear it. Congrats on your new addition. Cute pictures!

Miss Kelly said...

Kristin - you're gorgeous, pregnant or not. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I still see you in your lavender coat.
The one thing I hated most was being called "cute". I'm VOLUPTUOUS, BEUTIFUL, AMAZING...not cute. Baby ducks are cute. The miracle of life is not.

Gabrielle Eden said...

the remote joke is funny. I'm liking your blog more even now.